me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
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Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.