That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
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Bruh 😭😭😭😭
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.