me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
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Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding