Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
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mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.