So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
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Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.