Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
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My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
crochet youtube is brutal
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat