pep talk
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[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere