Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
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My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.