Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
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I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.