Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
You Might Also Like
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.