“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
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I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
From Facebook just now…
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise