“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
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Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.