no their not
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I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
(Musicians.)
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars