*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
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An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
sleeping beauty
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Can’t. Being lazy.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.