Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
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I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.