Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
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*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
When you kidnap a writer.