Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
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My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
My new favorite headline
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.