I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
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Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.