10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
You Might Also Like
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?