[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
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Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
How all things should be taught/explained.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.