Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
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My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Perfection.
Challenge accepted.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.