me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
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Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Always…
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend