If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
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Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.