I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
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‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
lmao
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.