Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
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Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Somebody call the cops.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
LOL
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it