“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
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I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit