Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
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Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”