Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
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Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.