Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
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Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 馃槶馃槶 am I doing this wrong
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it鈥檚 7
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I鈥檇 expected.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
馃く馃く馃く
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Someone once told me I can鈥檛 say I hate camping if I鈥檝e never been camping but I鈥檝e never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how鈥檚 this any different
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
i don鈥檛 feel like cooking, but i鈥檓 too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.