[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
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If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
i now pronounce you bounced.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
😲 WTF? 😆
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”