That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
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Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
? 💀
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled