I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
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WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
If only
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
S/o to @funTweeters .
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.