Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
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judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?