I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
You Might Also Like
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.