Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
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If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*