Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
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If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.