Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
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me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
me, after any kind of buffet.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…