Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
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The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you