My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
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“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room