[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
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I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!