When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
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Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
marvel comics have peaked
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.