[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
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The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
inventing words: clothing