If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
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them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
when you are just born a rebel
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin