It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
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Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
rapatouille
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.