Literally! 馃ぃ #dogs
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Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they鈥檝e requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don鈥檛 overstock
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I鈥檝e forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn鈥檛 even bother getting up to greet me
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won鈥檛 pick you up at the airport.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn鈥檛 have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn鈥檛 eat
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Does anyone else鈥檚 wife quiz them about the movie they鈥檙e watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don鈥檛 know why he didn鈥檛 just call a taxi, Linda, I鈥檝e got the same information you have.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
no, babe. i haven鈥檛 seen your glasses.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
maybe if millennials didn鈥檛 buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
every house is a dream house when you can鈥檛 afford one
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
I鈥檓 aging like a fine banana