No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
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Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.