Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
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*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*