Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
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The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”