That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
You Might Also Like
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.