I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
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When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?